I Love You More

After the sadness that rocked the country of the mass taking of children, I sat down at my computer and let my heart cry....these are the words that came from my heart...

 I Love You More

This morning I walked into your room to see your little body lying under your favorite Batman blanket. I sit down on your bed and slowly pull the blanket away from your face. I kiss your cheek good morning before running my hand through your hair. I softly tell you it’s time to get up, it’s a school day. Stirring, you rub your eyes and smile up at me.

I help you pick out what you want to wear. Batman has always been your favorite. I tell you I’ll meet you downstairs and that your breakfast will be waiting. You say, “Okay mom.” Trampling down the stairs, you run into the kitchen and jump onto your chair. Time has gotten away from us so I urge you to eat fast. Before I know it, you’re at the sink with your cereal bowl. I tell you to grab your backpack, I’ll meet you in the car.

Driving up to your school, I see the line of parents waiting to drop your friends off. You tell me you’re a big boy now and that you can walk into school without me. I sigh and you reach over the console and give me a hug and kiss. You tell me you love me, I tell you I love you more.

Not even an hour later, my phone rings. It’s your school. I answer with a cheery hello, only to receive a tearful reply. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to tell you.” I urge her to go on as the boulder forms in my stomach. “There was…there was a…there was a gunman…” Panic. Fear. Anger. Sadness; everything I felt before I heard that children have been shot. I turn my car around and race back to your school. I slam on the brakes when I arrive and race inside. Without understanding why, a police officer stops me, he won’t allow me in. I scream at him, “MY CHILD IS INSIDE!!!” He calmly tells me I need to go to the fire station; that is where all the parents and kids are going for safety. Once again, I run to the car and drive as quickly so I can to find you waiting for me. I park the car and run inside to find parents and friends waiting for information, and police officers. I run to my friend and ask her what she knows.  All she can do is hug me and cry. I walk to the police officer who is close by and ask him about you. He tells me to wait, that there will be updated news soon.

It feels like time went in slow motion until the Police Chief walked in and asked us all to have a seat. He begins by telling us that a young man walked into the school and then a classroom and began shooting. When he says your teacher’s name, I drop to the ground, shaking, screaming, crying. The world goes silent as the sound of my shattering heart deafens me. As I open my eyes, I see a sea of shattered hearts.

My son, you are now gone. Some man who didn’t love anyone, came to your school and took you away from your daddy and me. Tonight, I won’t give you a bath or read you a story before bed. I won’t kiss you goodnight, or awake. I won’t be able to fix you your favorite breakfast, lunch or dinner. Daddy can’t play catch with you or play Batman and Robin. The Christmas tree we planned to get this weekend will no longer be ours. Because this man hated himself, our Christmases will never be the same.

You had such a giving heart, and I know what you would tell me to do. “Mommy, my presents…please give them to a little boy like me, so he can have a merry Christmas.” I just don’t know if I can do this. There is one I will forever keep; the photo Daddy took of you and me on your 6th birthday.

The day you were born, my dreams for you were strong and true. The day you died, those dreams shattered.

Rest in the arms of Jesus my son, knowing you will be forever missed. And please, never forget, I will always love you more.

© 12-15-12 JenT