Just my thoughts

In a short 24 days, I will wake up to my 18^th Christmas without my Grandma. I don’t remember very many Christmases with her, because my other grandma always took us away from her. There isn’t a day that goes by that my grandma isn’t in my thoughts. She was such a strong woman. She was a woman who loved God with everything she had. I’ve always felt sad because I know I’ve disappointed her. I don’t know if people in Heaven can look down and see us. And the reason I don’t know, is because the only feeling in Heaven is happiness. There are no tears in Heaven. There are days I think about when I die or Jesus comes back, and that’s the end. This life isn’t a book that we just close when we die and then open it again when we’re born and our parents take care of us. I look around my room and see all the memories I have surrounding me. Almost everything in here I could tell you who gave it to me and why. I have some very dear friends that I truly wish would find God and serve Him. My biggest concern is my brothers and their families. I was told in church today that God chose me to be a Believer. Boy have I let Him down.

But seriously, when we die, that’s it. There is no middle ground. You’re either in Heaven or hell. Both are real places. I guess the question I wish I could ask people, my friends, my family, if they know where they’re going when they die. I have a couple friends who joke about going to hell. I find it very difficult to laugh at that. Simply because I know it’s a real place and that unbelievers go there. I believe that God is a just God and a God of mercy. I truly wish I had a heart like my mom’s and my grandma’s. I wish I could care more about their life and where they’ll go, then my possible mess up in doing just that.

I’ve gone to the same church for nearly 30 years. I’ve been under my Pastor’s teaching for over half my life. I’ve had everything I struggle with taught to me. I know how to get out of this battle. And yet I feel as if my hands are still tied because of the lies that penetrate my thoughts day in and day out. I know that God has given me the gifts of writing, singing and photography. I know He has given me the gift for writing music. He proved that to me the night before Easter of 2011. The night before, Cary and I met at church and three notes kept coming to me. Close to six hours later, He Did It For One was born. The next day, it was performed. I have such a problem with how my songs that I write, always have the same chords and notes. But if that is what God wants me to do with writing songs, then that’s what I’ll keep doing.

Lately I have been feeling restless, but unable to grab the energy I need to do anything. The desire to teach children again is so heavy. The desire to keep writing and get published is so heavy. The desire to sing and change lives is so so heavy on my heart. The desire to photograph has fallen away from me. I looked at my friend’s photography page last night and that emptiness returned. With having so much debt over me, I can’t do what I want to do with photography.

It’s hard to believe that 2012 is almost over. I wonder how many couples are getting married on 12-12-12. Never again will we have that. This world is changing. Ever since watching Lincoln, I have a bit more respect for the President simply because he truly has the world on his shoulders. Lincoln had a pure heart to free the slaves from that time on. So many didn’t believe in him and his 13^th Amendment. He fought for it, he stayed his ground and fought for what he knew was right. Not many believed it would happen. And he never did anything for his own happiness. He knew that in order for freedom to be with the colored people, he had to help them out of their abusive pits. He didn’t care who was against him. He fought for them and he won. He never boasted about it. At the end of that movie, he’s sitting with Ulysses S. Grant and he tells Lincoln that he’s aged 10 years with all the happenings of the Amendment being fought for. He agreed.

I’m truly amazed that I haven’t aged faster with all the stress and hell I’ve endured for so long. I’m still thought to be in my 20s and I’m quite okay with that. In a short five months I’ll be 37. I am having a hard time grasping that scary fact.

With my thoughts on paper, I can probably go to bed now. Just a lot of thoughts that I needed out. I’m going to read now.